Golly gee the way my Beatles social media pals are behaving you’d think something terrible had happened, like, say, Cher getting nominated to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Hang on – that happened!
So, too, did the official announcement this week that bigtime Hollywood guy Sam Mendes will direct four separate biopics, one for each Beatle. This is a bad idea.
I’ll freely admit I’m not much of a movie person. I took a film class in college mostly so I could say “I took a film class in college,” but beyond that, give me “Blazing Saddles,” “Monty Phyton’s Life of Brian,” “Spinal Tap,” and “That Thing You Do” and I’m pretty much set.
The whole idea of the BIOPIC annoys me because, from what I’ve seen, they trade context and accuracy for a manufactured story arc. Take “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I liked it well enough but twitched hard when the recording session for “Fat Bottomed Girls” as depicted in the picture took place before the recording of the “Night at the Opera” album. I get it – story arc, keep the audience’s attention, who else other than Ted is going to be bothered that the songs are out of chronological order?
But, Sam Mendes, just try to do that with any of your four Beatles biopics. You’ll have millions of Beatles fans all around the world who will be less than polite when pointing out that John wrote “Strawberry Fields Forever” in November 1966 but only after he got a new prescription for his glasses that happened only after he did whatever it was that they know he did on that particular day. And they’ll be right.
You can see it coming four years before the movies’ putative release. The Sony Pictures statement announcing the project gets giddy with the promise that they’ll be “breaking some rules with Sam’s uniquely artistic vision.”
Uh oh.
I know this much about today’s movie culture: Sam Mendes directed the explosions-everywhere-you-look “Skyfall.” Maybe his “uniquely artistic vision” will find George Harrison locked in a car chase, careening through the busy streets of London while on his way to another recording session at Abbey Road, dodging jam butties and jelly babies hurled by his ardent yet overzealous fans. Either that or each of these four blockbusters will follow the trope of John as The Visionary, Paul as The Hard-Working Mop Top, George as The Sullen Quiet One, and Ringo as The Loveable Moppet.
Even the most tangential of Beatles fans has a good idea of each one’s story. They played out in real time in front of the world in a seven-year period of unmatched creativity. They were never out of the public eye. There’s nothing untold about their individual and collective personalities.
Sony, however, promises that “no topic will be off limits.” Riiiight. If you do want to know more than what you already know about The Beatles (and who doesn’t?), then download (and subscribe to) the magnificent podcast, "Nothing Is Real." There, no topic is off limits, except maybe for the fact that one host still hasn’t seen that other Beatles-adjacent movie classic, “Give My Regards to Broad Street.”
Apple will no doubt seize this opportunity to merchandize the hell out of all four pictures. Count on an endless parade of Limited Edition Tchotchkes to clutter the already-cluttered shelves of Beatles junkies. At least four separate soundtrack albums, of course, featuring 2027 remixes by Giles Martin, sold separately or as a four-album boxed set in a Special Limited Edition Slipcase (“Only 2,500 worldwide! Get yours today!”). Sequels (“McCartney: The Wings Years”) and prequels (“Quarrymen: Before Hamburg”). A new love theme ballad for each, featuring vocals by whomever the reigning star will be come 2027.
I hereby offer pity in advance to the actors who get the starring roles because they’re all going to end up as vilified as Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees. Along with death and taxes, you can pretty much count on Hollywood screwing it up with just about any story these days. In the meantime, we can all look forward to not one, not two, not three, but four ultra-contrived backstories with actors doing their level best to adopt the Liverpool accent and say things like “fab,” “gear,” and “to the toppermost of the poppermost” a lot. Ugh.
Hey, why sell one Kiss album when you can sell FOUR solo albums?? Marketing genius, artistic blah.
(Image: http://tinyurl.com/beatlekiss) Still, I bet George would've been great in a car chase.